A Man Walks Into A Bar With His Dog
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now, GirlFriend 5.0, works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. Plus, I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented" anyway.
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a
Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus
1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon
after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the
primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with
FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy l8 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my 18 year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into eighteen."
A drunk man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does. But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" say's her husband. The wife explain's that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walk's around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up two pairs of matching shoes worth $200 each. The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don't even play tennis, but if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she can't even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I'm ready to go,let's go to the cashier." The husband stops and says, "No,honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband say's, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"
A Man Walks Into A Bar With His Dog
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks?". "But of course", the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman".
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, "I'll show you how to do it one last time".
A Rabbi, A Hindu, And A Lawyer
A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep, he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, who was lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. I've got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother, "get over here before he shits on you!"
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